Monday, September 30, 2013

20 months and Counting

I feel like everywhere I turn today I'm faced with my shattered dreams. My ideal, my expectation of what should and would be. Gone. It has been gone. He's been gone for over 20 months. How can it possibly be fall...again?

I remember those last fall days with Thao. I remember the sound of his nervous laughter when he climbed a tree. I remember how big and strong he felt, like a cheetah he said. I remember the leaves crunching underfoot. I remember the bushels of apples. I remember the snuggles. I remember his voice.

But how can it be so long ago?

We made it through his birthday without him, again. It's like it's real now. Doing everything for second time, without him.

Yet, it doesn't get easier. You just get better at doing life without being whole.

I know people say time will heal. But, time does not forget. So don't be fooled. I think of him all the time.

And even though I try to not think about what would have been....I see his friends growing. And it is painful. Please know it's not that I don't care or I am disinterested. Many times it's me fighting back tears while you are telling me of your second grader's latest accomplishments or how fast they are growing or the teeth they have lost. Please don't stop, I want to celebrate every victory with you, it's just hard.

I know my reality is that I am piecing life back together. That I have a new normal. And that my life is good, only because of God. I know that the brokenness is temporary. I know that in Christ I will get through my day. I am so thankful for my 2 children I have now, for my 2 children I have waiting for me and for my husband who just happens to be my best friend. But, that doesn't make me miss him any less. In fact, watching my others grow up with out him and even grow past what he didn't, is a whole new, very hard normal. 

I covet your prayers for the coming months. Many new things, many memories.

"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you." 2 Thessalonians 3:16


  1. Sorry I'm just now reading this. With Sully's birthday I get a little out of touch for a while. Honestly I don't believe that time heals all wounds. I do believe that time changes the wounds. Yesterday was the 33 month mark for me, and is know that tomorrow marks another month for you. In my mind our boys will always be connected. It's difficult to see other children as they age when Sully will always be 16 wks 2 days. It's like they're leaving him behind. I don't know if that's how you feel or not, but I'm guessing it's similar. Praying for you and your family. Hoping your two get to come home to you sooner rather than later.

  2. Such a heart-felt post...and I can relate a little. As the mother of a stillborn son, Gabriel...I still think about him too. His 19th birthday was last week. Yes, time will heal. But it is ok to hold on to memories too. Every child matters, no matter how long s/he is around. {{{HUGS}}}